Only Butterflies Deer and Angels

It was hard keeping my writing up during the last few weeks of the trip. I rented a sweet little cabin in the woods of Northern Idaho to focus but the call of the wild was a little distracting. I would set my lap top up, make tea and stare out of the window ready to write waiting for the clarity. I’d sit for a while watching butterflies and deer and then I’d stand up put the computer to sleep and walk outside. I’m not usually around this much fresh beauty. I got very tired of walking around the old hood I used to live in. I can write later. It felt like I was missing out on something.

One evening I walked miles miles and well into the dark. I lost track of time. It got pretty late and I got scared. Those new growth forest are pretty thick dense and silent, mostly. I heard noises though. I’m telling you there is nothing out there to cause noise except something alive and moving. If it wasn’t wind, then what the fuck was it?

Few if any cars, neighbors few and far between which I did eventually make friends with. Spotty reception at best and no police or fire support within god knows how long. I don’t want to exaggerate but I felt pretty isolated but I really really loved it beyond anything I have ever known. Although I felt pretty frightened at times I have never experienced this much solitude in my life before and it was heaven. Pure bliss. I was afraid I would experience tremendous loneliness renting that place by myself but it was quite the opposite I felt in the company of angels. I felt complete, completely connected to Source or the cosmos with mind body and soul.

One night, some strange person walked around the cabin with a flash light. I had no way of calling for help or anyone to call for help, there was no reception. I was totally and utterly vulnerable. All he had to do was bust a window and climb in. I prayed and who ever that was eventually went away.

All I saw during the day on those long walks in Northern Idaho were deer butterflies and I felt the in the presence angels. So, when ever I felt lost, scared or if it was too dark to see what was there, I would remind myself that all there is around me are butterflies deer and angels. That became my mantra. Whenever I was scared I said it over and over again…..all there is around me are butterflies, deer and angels… the only things around me are butterflies deer and angels.

The other day my hands were rattling so much I couldn’t start my car. My bracelets clanging and clinging like crazy. I got really lost deep in Northern California country. No gps, man-woman ratio 14-1 and people have guns. That’s what my friend warned me before I ventured off the main road to drive way deep into rolling empty dry hills.

I was getting low on gas it was getting dark. I started to feel scared. I kept looking for a specific turn off to the right at exactly six point eight miles from the last turn but I just couldn’t see it. The directions were tested and true according to him, I believed him. I swear, I drove up and down that winding gravel road looking for that turn off over and over and I simply couldn’t find it. I kept getting more and more lost and flustered. It was getting dark and no lights of course. I drove down a steep turn thinking it was the one and dogs start attacking me. I couldn’t turn around as the road was too narrow with a ridge right next to it. I’m shaking all over. I backed up. I got stuck under a tree I was trying to stay clam and focus with huge dogs barking and attacking my car. No one with me but God. We had to pull me together. Nothing around me but butterflies deer and angels nothing around me but butterflies deer and angels, repeat. Did it. Got out of there intact. When I did find the place it was totally obvious. The turn off was right there. I know I would have seen it if I hadn’t been so frightened. 

This has been a pretty empowering experience for me so far. I only have myself and the angels to rely on. I’m pretty happy with that as I’ve learned we make a pretty reliable combo.

I also had lots of fun socializing with friends. My sons visited one week and one of my sons played guitar for a group of friends under the milky way illuminated by a camp fire. He sent his heavenly notes up to stars with the smoke to the angels. Unforgettable evening.

I am pretty certain I want to buy land in Idaho and build a fun place up there for my boys to visit. I already know the exact area and what I want to have built. I’ll live there during the summer and the rest of the world during the winter. It’s clearly how I want to live. I finally figured it out. I will continue to roam on a road trip until it warms up and I will go back there to land shop. Why Idaho? Because nothing there but butterflies deer and angels.